‘FALLEN’ ANGELS of whatever sort… ABOUT BEING DIFFERENT

This is a pretty long BLOG and please… only read if you really wanna read this 🙂

A couple of months ago Jouke In der Maur from Jouke IMP Photography asked me if I wanted to contribute to a project to inspire the infinite possibilities for gender, sexuality and sex. Basically, about being different than others, not confirming to the norm with whatever gender norms – genderfluid / bigender/ polygender / genderqueer / gender-expansive / transgender / transsexual…

This spoke to me immediately, as it’s a big topic on my professional and personal calendar and it’s been a huge energy through my entire life.

01 - IMG_2239-4So I said YES, as you can see… 😉 Thank you Jouke 💖 I absolutely love this

When we pondered “what would this shoot like to be and look like?” many energies came up and we went with the light, white and angel-esque… More on the angel bit later… 

I hope you enjoy the shots as much as we enjoy them!

So a bit about being an INFINITE BEING EMBODIED ON PLANET EARTH

Infinite being… It makes me giggle as I write this cause I know these words are so out of this reality sometimes… “what the f*ck are you talking about?”

I’ve always had this kinda androgynous vibe and appearance. If I look at pictures throughout my life, I never look the same.

I love the possibilities of infinite being, embodied. It leaves room for magic, mystery, possibility and inspiration…

People LIVE it, left, right and center and they change the world with it every single day. Bowie, Annie Lennox, Gaga, Freddy Mercury, Prince, just to name a few artists that pop in my head now and the list goes on… Superhero’s in my point of view. Amazing and extremely inspiring to many. Some push lots of energy into the world, others just be that difference.

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I remember people asking “So what are you…? Gay, straight, bi?” I’d mostly be like “Eh… do I really have to choose?” So I went for ‘bisexual’ for a while, until male bodies seemed to appeal more to me. I love all bodies. I found it interesting to explore 🙂 and right now I wonder if that was a choice from true being or a choice from reacting to those questions, asking me to define myself…

I never thought of myself being in the ‘wrong body’. No, I like this ‘thing’ way too much… 🙂 And I can always slap on a pair of heels and some make up… as well as I can wear a suit and tie… what was even created for which gender or body…? It’s a possibility, not a limitation. For me at least… it’s all up for choice!

My point of view is that we are all infinite, we have infinite choice we have no boundaries unless we impose them on ourselves or if we buy Into that we have to. That doesn’t mean you can instantaneously change anything and everything that is defined and created right now, yet it leaves the space for choice and creation.

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NO DEFINITION?

Strange world, with lots of strangers… Most people gotta have some tools, skills and awareness over here, to actually keep your mind sane and your being true to you – with whatever body.

For me ‘Male’ and ‘Female’ only belongs to the body, which doesn’t define you or me as a person… how funny we think we need a definition in order to Be and choose… And being and choosing different, or having less or rather even no definitions of yourself is so often misunderstood as being wrong, or not fitting in and having to resist what this reality imposes.

People get killed for being different. All over the world, it’s no news. Difference needs to be killed and eradicated in many peoples points of view. And having a different sexual and physical preference is only ONE of the things people are so often made ‘wrong’ for.

I know how incredibly challenging it can be to deal with violence, cruelty and abuse that people with a non-standard way of living and being, of having a different physical and sexual ‘preference’ encounter. Not only by experiencing it myself, but anyone who has eyes in their head and an awareness that is ON: it cannot be missed.

Often the gentle, soft, open vulnerable, kind, caring and potent space gets crushed, hurt and damaged, a little or a lot.

It’s developed in such a way that we somehow created the moments of ‘pride’ in being different. It should be a celebration and how often is it prove that we are allowed to exist, to be ‘accepted’? Being a total rebel to other peoples judgments actually mostly creates more separation in the world… It still seems to be required to stand strong for many people… other than the acknowledgement of Being different and all having our own choice to create our lives. I love it when people just leave when they are over being molested.

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DO I CARE?

In living my mostly ‘happy’ life these day it might look like I don’t care about what goes on in the world. I actually DO care, I’m well aware of it all… I contribute anything I can other than aligning and agreeing or resisting a reacting to that judgment reality…

I’d rather melt that harshness and rigidity by showing up myself, with open eyes, heart and being, without judgment, or with as less of a stuck point of view as I can.

And Boy oh boy… how lucky am I to be born in a country and in an environment that actually – at least mostly – allows me to BE and choose who I would like to be… and having a family that cares about me is priceless, I know a lot of people don’t have that. Wow.

And maybe even more important: I know I have choice to choose and move if things don’t work for me. I’ve got to learn and acknowledge that more and more.

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A LITTLE TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE…

The area of gender, boy/girl, sexuality and sexual preference and having a male body has been somewhat confusing my in early years. And apparently, not only for me…

I mean, as a kid I did have no cognitive sense of it all, I did not have much definitions of myself. I just chose what appealed to me and what came naturally and didn’t choose what wasn’t that.

I took a deep look inside and noticed that I’ve always had this natural sense or drive to ‘shock’ or move people with my appearance and my choices… Create confusion, stir things up, to show it’s not wrong to BE different, have no fregging point of view about it and even be a contribution to others.

Did I know it was ‘different’…? Not really until I stepped out into the world and when I first went to school…

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As a little boy, it felt like all that all that really defined me as ‘male’ was my body and what is in between my legs… Me being me, being a total space kid… I did have a preference for ‘girly’ things. Dressing up as a princes or some fantasy creature, actually walking the streets like that and even going to school like that – on special occasions 🙂 – playing with barbies and making costumes with my mom and gran, singing along with the disney movies.

I’d sing out loud on the balcony and would take the stage whenever I could to perform – not by command though… which eventually resulted in being a performer and doing it every night for years in a row. And the as far as what are considered ‘boyish’ things, yes: I dressed up as the prices too, I also played with tech lego, clay, paint, loved woodcraft and making things, plus I liked athletics in school…

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ANDROGYNOUS

like probably everyone who’s just a tat different and not fitting the norm, I had many projections coming my way from early age. Sweet, wondrous, admiring…

“What pretty doll face you have, you are like an angel!” Something I’ve heard lots and lots of times… and so often thought “ ok… sure 🙂 ”

Having a sort of androgynous appearance at early age apparently looked like an angel to many people… lol. How does it get even better?

Also there was extreme bullying and violence for who I was and appeared to be. Especially when puberty kicked in with me and the other teens in school and out on the street. It was rough at times with this sense of thread and dread… I tried not to take it personally… yet, it did leave it’s marks. Not only the verbal and physical threats; the senses I got hit even harder being just a tat open to receive all that stuff…

I think that actually counts for nearly everyone who is alive here and lived through their lives so far…

“Do you want to be a girl or something? Loser!” Ah… thanks… and that was even one of the nicer comments…

Some locked in memories are still coming up and clearing as I write this.

Bless my sweet parents for never judging me for who I was and what I wanted to do and be. I could have gotten many labels and they simple never choose to confirm to any.

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I ASKED MY MOM: “What were the reactions that you received about me, prancing around in a dress?”

She said: “Actually, you were stunning. Most people admired you. They thought you had courage to do and be that and that you didn’t care too much yourself, including the parents of the kids that bullied you at the schoolyard. “Special kid you have…” You did confuse people though, as your blue eyes, open face and long blond curls could go for anything…”

I was like “WOW, really…? So it looked like I didn’t care?” And I realized that in my memories, I had made the bullies in the world into these big monsters that had such great impact on me. So often I tried to make friends with them in order to kinda take that negativity away. Only, it mostly didn’t work…

One time I hit one guy, the biggest asshole, in the head and started beating in on him and together we rolled into a teachers office. It had just been too much and I was done. They never bullied me again.

About letting judgment shade what actually was… somehow I had been unconsciously trying to see through their eyes what should have been wrong with me and my choices, giving them more power. Interesting shift there.

Maybe it wasn’t all that bad and big as I had made it, yet… this is what it apparently was like to me at a certain points… I know how stinging it can be, from working with many people who still have these issues, as they hold onto it when they grow up and even when it is so present right before they die out of this body.

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ANGELS AND FALLEN ANGELS

Did someone ever say to you “Oh you are such an angel! Thank you so much!”

What do they mean with that? Usually they are grateful for what you have contributed to them…

I can’t recall the amount of times people would say “Oh Merlijn, you are such an Angel. Thank you! Without you I would have been lost!” or a variation on that theme.

I wasn’t intending to be an ‘angel’ and to save others, even though apparently I did in their experience. I just did what I did and knew to do, and was what of whoever I was in those moments, seldom acknowledging what they actually meant.

“Oh, It was nothing… glad it helped”

Was it that I had no judgment of them?

I’m pretty sure many people actually recognize that, as it’s a huge capacity to just show up as you are and contribute to people.

‘FALLEN ANGEL’ is often used to describe a rebel. I have a different point of view. So many people are looking to fit a box or a definition to belong here. Like they don’t belong here… and in their difference, they never spread their wings fully and fly as only they can. I could add more to that metaphor, yet you might get what I’m trying to convey here…

The less definition or judgments you have, the easier it is to actually ‘fly’, to ‘take off’, not to leave this earth but to also create here and be that difference.

The other side of being that weird and different is the potency of it.

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‘ANGEL’ is often described as the messenger of god, a connection between heaven and earth, which I wonder is to bring and create the infinite possibilities here on this planet, on which we all live.

The gentle, soft, open vulnerable, kind, caring and potent space, that so often gets crushed, hurt and damaged, a little or a lot, yet… it’s ‘just’ a shadow hanging over or woven through your being and the magic you are.

When that infinite potency grows and shines stronger… it changes reality… and it dissolves the dark veils… many before us have been the example…

THERE IS SUCH BEAUTY IN BEING YOU, WITHOUT JUDGING YOURSELF

Even if you temporarily have to roughen and toughen yourself up to create in this strange reality… remember who YOU are and what you are here for and what you’d like to create in the world.

To all ‘fallen angels’ that are actually ‘angels’, that might feel lost over here… You are greater than anything they can imagine and mostly… you are DIFFERENT.

I’d say… BE that Infinite Being Embodied

Unfold those true wings, here and now on planet earth.

Be soft, potent, kind, gentle and open and take no one’s shit.

Shine bright. Spread your wings, Be You

   

##BeHappy #BeFree #BeYou #PRIDE #Gaypride #Gender #Diversity #Genderosity #Bodyloving #NoJudgment 

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Very connected to this: Genderosity is an ongoing empowerment project I run with Crystel Poetiray who also works with Transgenders in transition @ LeZ – Logopedie en Zang

👍🏻 Genderosity on Facebook 
👍🏻 My Public Facebook Page 💫
👍🏻 Amazing Jouke’s Page Jouke IMP 📸

Happy

15972777_10154039618675736_3478890812330784387_oToday I got home. Soaked from walking through the rain I stepped foot Into my house. I hang up my coat, turned on the lights, unpacked my suitcase, looked around and saw myself in the mirror: peaceful

Im happy

Loving my crazy ever expanding life, with all the good bad and ugly, in this sometimes insane world
Far from comfortable, yet amazing

So so grateful

Not saying this to brag. I don’t care if people think I need to prove that I’m happy.
Im saying it to Invite 😊

It’s possible

To be happier than most people choose to be

Happier than I once chose to be

Drinking this tea makes it even easier, and tastier too 😋

Gnite my friends

#ChoiceCreates #happy

 

WEIRD

16939331_746256858873169_2295516391210218711_nSomehow this image makes me a little melancholic AND very alive!
It reminds me of the time I was sitting in the window to possibilities, all in ‘black’ 🙂

‘Weirdo’ in hiding, dallying around… ‘not knowing’ what to do or what to be….

Did I ever wait for things to come to me? Hm… not really…

Sometimes I would sit there, looking out, gazing at the sky and the twinkling stars, still surrounded by and surrounding myself with darker energies, hesitant to leap out of that open window…

Yet, most of the time I took action, I kept going, if not for myself then for others, as long as I kept going.
Until the darkness that had come up would wear off and dissipate…

I still have those moments and most of those have turned into a wondering while shifting into alignment with new choices, to become.

I’ve learned to never give up, no matter what. The ‘weird’ in me or the ‘weird’ I am will never fit in and will always weird other people out, all the time.

What a blessing 😉

You know that the word ‘weird’ got reintroduced by Shakespeare…?
Guess what the ‘weirded women/sisters’ from Macbeth did and were…? 😉

Keep going

Be weird, regardless
Step out into the world
Light your spark of Creation
Wear off the darkness that you once chose to surrounded yourself in

and Be the ‘magic’ you are

Be You

#StayWeird #URMagic

Here’s a cool video on ‘Making it Weird’ about where the word actually comes from 😉

NJOY!

Vulnerable moments… with MOM

14088980_10153648552325736_195864143_nYes. Vulnerable moments can be there too. Totally. Even if it’s fucking uncomfortable.

Some days you just gotta take a moment to sit down with yourself. Or with your mom 😊

To lower all the barriers and get ‘naked’ to see what’s actually going on, to acknowledge and receive it, to change it and out-create it.

I’m not pretending to be enlightened. I don’t have it all ‘right’, nor do I have the right f*cking ‘conscious’ question or awareness all the time. Especially for myself that is. For others it’s way easier and a totally different story.

When you are sitting on top of your own mountain with a head full of ideas, questions and ‘have to’s’ – like I was today and yesterday – it just such a blessing to have people in your life that have your back and be with you, like my mom has been all my life, with a question, a different perspective or simply being.

I used to think I was a failure when I asked for help, which is not true. I’ve learned that by now, and still it’s a practice for me to ask for help when I require it and to actually receive it.

I used to think that being vulnerable is weak or pathetic, which is not true either.

Being truly vulnerable with myself usually feels like I’m falling apart, which might be true in a way cause I get to look at what is bugging me, fucking me up or the conclusions that I use to define me, which stop me from Being creative.
The ‘good’, ‘bad’, ‘beautiful’ and ‘ugly’.

I don’t really expose it a lot.
And in case you didn’t notice: life’s not always pretty folks 😊
Everyone has their shit and whobbles going on. Including me. It’s ok.

And usually after those highly uncomfortable moments where I just wanna kill everyone and everything, I come out being greater. WAY greater.

OMG I’m so grateful for my mom and I know not everyone has such a relationship with their parents. One that keeps on inspiring each other to be greater and greater and allowing you to be as you are in every 10 seconds.

Thank you mama Renée, you rock my world.

So happy I choose you 😉

❤️💙
And this beautiful song by Mike Posner sums it up quite well 🙏🏻

Do you ever loose the sense of YOU…?

Another recent pondering from the Beach!

Do you ever loose the sense of YOU in everything that is going on around you? In this wild, windy, intense and up to speed creative world…?

What would it be like to turn UP Your Own Signal with…

The Energy you can Be…?

Allow me invite you to your own Magic…
😉 ✨

www.handsonaccess.nl

Are you using Money as an Excuse to ‘Not Choose’?

12552831_10153185670510736_8894148903856475855_nAre you using money as an excuse not to choose?
What are you making more powerful? Money? Or your own creative juju? ✨

What actually, money isn’t the problem?
What if your choice… creates?

Mostly, all that is required is: your choice to choose whatever you would like to choose!
What if you are the Magic that makes your Life Show Up?✨

So lets say, you would like to make a trip around the world or you would like to go do something that requires a little more money, and you go:
“I will go when I will have the money” or “I don’t have money for that…”

Is that choosing what you would like or kinda concluding you can’t choose that?

Most people are not willing to look at the good, bad, beautiful and ugly of their money stuff, so they just leave it hanging, thinking they are ‘not choosing’.

A small note: even when you think you are not choosing, you are choosing to ‘not choose’.
So you are actually always choosing.
Funny right…?
And choice… Creates. It creates everything that shows up in your life.

What if you are a way greater creator than you thought you were?
What if You are the Magic that makes your Life Show Up?

So even if you have no idea about HOW it’s going to work out: what would you like to choose…?

Ready…? Let’s do a little Money Class!

1 * Choose! and start Asking

“Ok, I’m choosing this! I’m having this. I’’m gonna Be this, Do this. I am willing to receive this!
Now, what is it going to take?”

Some first steps to start consciously creating:

2 * “What is the amount of money I practically require?” – What money is required? What does it cost? Do some research, get ALL the info and numbers you need. Have them as an energetic target or guideline, NOT as a conclusion. ‘Cause anything can change and more and greater possibilities can show up 🙂
“Ok, this is it for these 10 seconds. I wonder what else I could know

3 * “What do I already have?” – again look at numbers as a knowing and as practical information. “Ok, how does it get even better than this? And what else is possible?”

4 * “Destroy and Uncreate
-everywhere I have decided it is not possible for me to have and create this
-everything I have decided about where the money will and has to come from
-everything that doesn’t allow it to show up with ease” – just say all those exact words, every day and every time it feels funky in your world.

5 * Start asking creative and generative questions, like:
“What else can I Create and Generate?” Yes, YOU can Create! Now what?
“Who or what can I contact?” Wie of wat weet?
“What is possible?” Are you looking at limitations or possibilities?
“What else is possible?” What else could you become aware of?
“WHAT is this going to take for this money to show up with total ease?” – Not nessecarily “How much work is this going to be” or “How am I going to do this” or “How much do I have to do?” Get the difference…?
“Where is the money?” How simple can it be?
“How much more can I receive today?” Who won’t ask… won’t receive.
“Universe, what else is possible I haven’t considered yet?”
“Universe, show me the possibilities?” Ask everything and everyone, every energy en molecule in the universe to contribute to what you would like to choose and create! 1… 2… 3!

6 * Take action on the awarenesses you get. That includes being and doing…
Get to work! What can you create? What else can you create?

7 * Be willing to RECEIVE whatever shows up! Even if it doesn’t look like you have decided is has to be! “Did I ask for this? Is this showing up in a different way than I thought if would?”

This is just one short way around, to start! I hope it will inspire you.

There is never a final destination to something if you don’t stop it.
Your choice creates. Your choices are the Magic that makes your life show up for you!

Your choice, willingness and questions open up to the possibilities to RECEIVE from all possible sources and directions. Every 10 seconds again.

Oh… And there are so MUCH MORE tools and ways to create the life you desire.
Get in touch if you are interested! Or get yourself to a money class!

What do you desire? What are you asking for?
What If you would’t use money as an excuse to not choose what you would like in life?
And even if you are temporarily out of cash… what can you create?

If you want something: Choose it. Or at least, start choosing it. And then: WHAT is it going to take?

What if You are the Magic that makes your Life Show Up?

BEING HERE

12400730_10153168309545736_9137223070358882862_nAre you enjoying being here right now?

And I’m not saying you have to! 😉
Implying that and saying that all is – and has to be – light, fun, easy breazy everywhere you go and be, would not be acknowledging what IS: life going on on this planet right now.

What if there is no right way to be here? And yet, you are here. So what would you like to choose?

What if… You, as a being, have chosen to be here? You have created a body, through which you are walking and talking on the face of planet earth. You embody.

What I found out for me, and I’ve always know this: it is a choice to enjoy being here, right here, right now, on planet earth, with your body. I did not always have easy access to that choice and still I have to be tenacious to keep on choosing it as the primary energy in my life.

For a lot of peeps it seems to be hard to be here, to be present and live in this judgmental reality, so they rather… Check out. And not be here.

There are different ways to choose, deal and create with the awarenesses you have, those that might make you wanna get out of here every once and a while. If it’s an awareness of your surroundings or society, do you really have to do anything with it? Often times, if you allow it to be there, without having to do anything with it other than allowing it to be, it can make being here a lot easier and more pleasant!
If it’s not yours, are you gonna be able to change or heal it…? Yes? No?

Is it relevant to your life? What is relevant to your life?

And see, that is as simple as a choice too. It’s not wrong. It’s not right. What is that choice creating for you and your embodiment?

As a being you can go all places and spaces. You can check out at any moment. Getting fuzzy, not present or ‘leaving’ your body is super easy! You might have noticed how easy it is and how often people do it 🙂 In conversations, during work, during sex… Is that fun for you and your body?
It’s a capacity actually. Aren’t you capable of a lot of things people would judge as ‘bad’? Like checking out and not enjoying to be here. You’re an infinite being. You can choose that! Interesting point of view! 😉

I used to check out and not be present all the time, especially as a kid… “Merlijn…? are you present…? Come back here…?”

Now, I mostly choose something different than the check out 😉 If i notice myself check out, I mostly do not wanna be with what is, or I’m doing something I don’t wanna be doing. Or I’m simply choosing wonder off… All just interesting choices, changing as I go along.

I choose to live here, be here, embody, experience and have all the joys I can have, together with my body, on planet earth. And I know that requires me to keep on choosing, wondering and to question what I would like my life over here to be like. If there is no right way to be here, what choices can I make that light up my life?

Choosing joy doesnt mean that all the other stuff can’t be there too!
If all of it is allowed to be here too, you can choose to let it rule your life or not.

Whats actually great about being here? What do you already enjoy about your life?
Have you wondered…?